My good friend Marc Murray recently reminded me of what an odd fellow he is. During a conversation about his daily alcohol intake he brought up a movie called 28 Days staring Sandra Bullock. 28 Days is apparently about a woman going through rehab. I think Marc was attempting to relate his situation to the main character or something, but I cut him off before he could get too far. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: "Wait a second. You're a huge Sandra Bullock fan aren't you? I totally forgot about that."
Marc: "Well, I was until she started making the Miss Congeniality movies."
Me: "You didn't actually see the Miss Congeniality movies, did you?"
Marc: "Only the first one. I was too disgusted to see the sequel."
Now, as far as I can tell, Marc is not gay. Despite having seen Miss Congeniality willingly and not because some chick he was dating made him see it -- because he truly thought it would be an entertaining movie to watch -- Marc is not gay, as far as I can tell.
Marc has actually dated more than his fair share of women over the years. I say "more than his fair share" not because Marc is a bad looking guy but because of his remarkable and almost sadistic capacity for honesty when a white lie is the only reasonable option. During college Marc dated a girl named Nicole. One day Nicole was in our room and Marc, out of the blue, said, "You know, you're starting to grow a little bit of a mustache. You should consider waxing that." It was a jaring statement for both me and Nicole.
Not to mention -- can you imagine being told that you need to wax your upper lip by a man who grows foot long beards? Yes, Marc grows foot long, caveman beards. And he surfs and plays the electric guitar. And he's Christian...and I mean he's a real Christian...not like the Sunday morning Catholics I grew up with. And when Marc's not bossing people around at a contruction site, he's watching Sandra Bullock get married over and over again. It's all very confusing to say the least.
In attempting to understand Marc, I think it's imperative to note that Marc is the son of a beautician. My guess is that because of his mother's profession, Marc is more apt to notice and be bothered by things like unibrows and a couple days worth of leg hair on a woman. But at the same time, he feels the need to rebel against the carefully groomed neck lines of his youth and so he grows long caveman beards.
Does that begin to explain his taste for Sandra Bullock chick flicks? Of course not. I'm still trying to figure that one out. But some people would probably say that Marc's just a contrarian. And indeed there is support for this hypothosis. When everyone else in college was huffing drano and getting blasted on Special K, Marc was a good, sober Christian. And though, during our four years of college together, Marc could have gotten more tail than the proverbial toilet seat, he generally preferred to play chastity mind games with his confused female counterparts.
And when everyone else decided to sober up and settle down, Marc picked up binge drinking.
So maybe "Miss Congeniality" is just Marc being the constant provocateur, the perennial contrarian. I sure hope so.
Because otherwise it seems pretty gay.
(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
8 comments:
Pedro,
Thank you, I'm honored. Your description of me, while I cannot fully endorse it, was filled with that sensibility that only you can provide: equal parts fascinated disgust, affection, and ridicule. I'm glad my life could serve as one of those grisly train wrecks that just make you laugh. I would like to say that I'm not sure the mustache conversation went exactly like that, but it was close. And, though you question my sexaulity extensively, in your own backhanded way, you do comment on my looks favorably. Did you watch me while I slept? That's all I want to know. If the answer is yes, I can say, Learn from me. A little white lie to Priya might be the most appropriate action. Honestly, I'm just glad no one was around when I read this. Once my convulsive fit of laughter subsided, it took me a full 20 minutes to dry my eyes. Thanks Peter.
Marc
You're welcome. I hope that other people who know you will decide to comment on the blog so that we can get some more perpectives on these issues.
A blog is really just a rough draft of a larger idea or project. I of course left out many stories that are fundamental to understanding you, understanding our time together in college, and understanding me. Most notably, I left out the time you called Chester an "affluent bitch," the time I greeted you and your young girlfriend with a flooded room that was covered with floating vomit, the time when we both dressed up like a woman and took pictures of ourselves in compromising positions, and the time I had you testify as my lead witness in a criminal proceeding against me. All of these stories should be preserved in blog posts at some point.
Anyway, to answer your question, we were all watching you as you slept. Seriously. You were mumbling in your sleep like you always do, and so we were laughing. Then you woke up, looked at us, shook your head, and went back to sleep.
I regret the affluent bitch comment. Sincerely. I only wish I could blame that on drugs or alcohol, but you shut that door.
I meant did you watch me sleeping when we lived together in college? Your puzzlement over me has me wondering if you just sat up nights starring at me. Which, oddly doesn't creep me out .... that much.
I don't think Marc is gay in the sense that he wants to have sex with men. I think that in his youth he must have been exposed almost exclusively to 'wholesome' entertainment. And so even though he picked up binge drinking and midget porn in college, he still enjoys the saccharin story lines imprinted on his mind in childhood. As far as I know Sandra Bullock makes movies that involve silly people experiencing something slightly startling followed by a long period of self-discovery and finally laughter and nostalgia. This sort of thing probably reminds him of the good times watching the 'Care Bears' and 'My Little Pony.'
There are of course a lot of other things about Marc that make him seem gay: the way his name is spelled; the fact that he sits when he pisses; he likes to talk with other people about their feelings; he likes to hold his male friends for extended periods. I think there are two main causes for most of this. 1st, Marc enjoys the contradiction of being very effeminate while appearing masculine as a bearded construction overseer. 2nd, he spent a lot of time in college with you. You made him feel that extended male-touching was not necessarily gay. And that, big P, is the part you are missing here; it's partly your fault. I think you had a big influence on Marc's post-adolescent development. I don't think he would be so comfortable seeming gay if he hadn't spent so much time with you, someone so open and permissive. It was your tolerance and paternalism that allowed Marc's own maternalistic instincts to flourish into the grandmother-like creature living inside the body of Scottish Log-thrower that we see today.
Also, I did give him roofies a few times and rent his body to strangers.
Well I think we finally got to the bottom of it. Who would have guessed that I played a significant role in the development of Marc's "grandmother-like creature living inside the body of a Scottish Log-thrower" persona?
Marcus, while I can't speak for the Murman, it's only with the deepest affection that I jest. The bottom line is that ATGR supports all ways of life that are peaceable towards humanity and friendly to the earth. I make no claim that I am more normal than you. I just happen to be the one who has a blog. I imagine that in time, after I post humorous bios of all of my closest friends, someone will write a irreverent blog post about me. When that time comes, I hope you will let it be known that I had nothing to do with the time when the Murman sold your body to a group of horny Japanese businessmen.
The thing is. I'm a beach inhabiting, surf bum construction worker. None of this is that wierd for me. You two, on the other hand, have made a concerted effort to live "upstanding normal lives." I think you're just jealous of my footloose fancy free log throwing existence. IS anyone else picking up the Euphemism there?
I must commend you though Pedro on your blogg's egalitarian content. Some would call it smutty. I thinki it's sweet. It has inspired me. I want one of my own. You will be my first subject.
And J-bird, I think you've at least explained the origin of a mysterious rash I've been having.
Marc
Marc is definitely gay. I've known it for a while, or atleast since the first hand job I received while watching Sandra Bullock.
She is rouse.
who is the male actor in miss congeniality?
I would say that marc ( I lowered cased your name because I do not give respect now that you have been called out) should start a blog, but I am afraid it might be to dark for the internet.
I drink too much.... god doesn't love me... i like men....
You'll find that his third statement would actually be the cause of the previous two. The blog would not bring any closure. Either he will continue his ways and have to become trans-gender, or he will just continue in his sorrowful cycle.
I reach out to you Marc. Despite your ways, you are a good man.
(whisper) Pedro....If we tell him we're all really gay, maybe he'll straighten up a bit.
Maybe I should change my name on google before I post things about being gay.
Jake
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