On My Defeat to Meat

When it comes to food, I have the self-discipline of a hungry labrador. If you've ever owned a lab, you know that whether or not it's hungry, it'll gobble up everything you put in front of it. No matter how much food you put in its bowl, it will eat all of it. It could be as fat as a tick with legs that no longer touch the ground and still it will wiggle its way over to the dinner table and beg for scraps, eyes bulging out of its head and all. Labs, unlike smarter, more self-respecting breeds (like German Sheppards, for example), will even over-eat to the point of vomiting, if allowed.

Not many people have ever over-eaten to the point of vomiting. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've done it...twice.

So, considering my lack of self-discipline, it might have been a bit naive of me to think that I could go a month without eating meat. And, in fact, it was naive. My self-inflicted exile into vegetarianism came to an end this past weekend when I ate a delicious plate of halibut at Cafe Beaujolais on Friday night and then a slab of ribs on Sunday afternoon. I fell two weeks shy of my goal of making it one month without eating meat.

Why was I unable to meet my goal? Two things messed me up. First, in the middle of last week, I accidentally ate a chorizo-filled, deep-fried squash blossom. I guess technically I didn't accidentally eat it. I intentionally ate it not knowing that it was filled with chorizo. Anyway, I'd like to say that I spit it out and threw away the second bite, but it was freaking delicious so I ate it. After this happened, I kind of felt like I had failed in my quest and that I should just give up. But what really put me over the top was when Priya told me on Friday afternoon that she had eaten chicken for lunch and that she was done with the vegetarian diet. That was all the excuse I needed to quit.

What did I learn from my 2.5 weeks of vegetarianism? A few things, actually.

1. Cucumber sandwiches are a delicious alternative to meat sandwiches. All you need is sliced cucumber, mayonnaise (or cream cheese) and some salt and pepper. If you want to add some other fancy seasonings or a sprig of mint and/or basil, all the better. These are especially good on hot days with cold cucumbers. They taste like summertime. While I'm on sandwiches, let me add that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are the most underrated sandwiches in all of the sandwich kingdom. I used to eat them all the time as a kid but have only occassionaly eaten them as an adult. Turns out, they are still just as delicious.

2. Tofu is difficult to make taste good. I tried cooking it twice and it didn't come out right either time. I just don't know what the hell to do with it. Priya will tell you that it was fine, but it definitely was not fine. I saw a guy cook it on TV the other day by wrapping it in proscuitto and grilling it. That kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

3. Going vegetarian will not cause you to lose weight if you replace your portions of meat with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

4. When J-Bird said that eating a steak after not eating meat for a week made him feel high, it was because he was actually high at the time and not because of the steak. Or perhaps he was eating a steak made out of marijuana. I don't know. But I felt exactly the same going from meat-eating to vegetarian, and then switching back to meat. I mean, I felt exactly the same. This leads me to believe one of two things about people who claim that going vegetarian makes them feel ill or tired or whatever they say: (1) these people went from eating meat, which has some nutritional value, to eating nothing but potato chips and ice cream, or (2) they're lying and just want an excuse that justifies why they couldn't cut it as a vegetarian.

5. When in doubt over what vegetarian food to get, go Indian. Indians are, after all, a mostly vegetarian people, so they know how to do it right.

So that's it. I hope that I can use this experience to forge a healthier, less meat intensive diet going forward. That will officially complete my transformation into an effette, Prius-driving, interracially married, Los Angeles liberal pigdog. Oh how you all will feel so morally and culturally inferior when that day comes.